“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.