Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’ve been learning to cook.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.