I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I needed a laugh this morning.