At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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This is so me 😂😂
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
she has a point
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.