1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.