“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.