I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
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Incredible customer service.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
🖤✌🏽
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*