[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
They’re not wrong
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.