Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
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PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.