hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”