1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.