A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
happy friday
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework