If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
You Might Also Like
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
This makes total sense…
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”