2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.