me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I need better friends
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today