Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
North and South
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
love it when they get my name right
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.