[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Britain be like
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.