Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find