dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.