HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
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ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]