Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
You Might Also Like
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’m confused about plants
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]