Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.