Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Denise please return my vape pen
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.