[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
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Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally