I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.