boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.