Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
😂😂😂
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
British websites use biscuits.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”