#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
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Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.