Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him