Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.