So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.