ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!