me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
You Might Also Like
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
So we got a goldfish…
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.