Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.