what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
also my go-to takeaway order
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂