I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
crying
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Still writing HBO Max on my checks