When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
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Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.