Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
That’s incredible! 👌
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
we all know this pain all too well
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift