My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
three things we don’t talk about
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles