In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I have never related to a cat more