UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant