My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?