*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
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I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?