“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
You Might Also Like
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me