I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
estão todos miauvindo?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers