{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?