You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go