An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?