50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
😍😂🥰😂😍
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.