Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
the red hot silly peppers
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus